


guide you home;

by voguethranduil



Series: dirty pretty things [5]
Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lowercase, brief mention of smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 02:58:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6312646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voguethranduil/pseuds/voguethranduil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“i do not want to have you<br/>to fill the empty parts of me<br/>i want to be full on my own<br/>i want to be so complete<br/>i could light a whole city<br/>and then<br/>i want to have you<br/>cause the two of us combined<br/>could set it on fire.”<br/>-rupi kaur</p>
            </blockquote>





	guide you home;

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing a full length one shot for star wars! so please be kind <3
> 
> shoutout to starlordandsavior for telling me the author of the poem!
> 
> this one shot is also featured on my other work [love made of stardust!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6217555/chapters/14462179) check it out and leave requests!

you watched the boy you had known as ben solo sink his lightsaber in to your masters stomach, face splattered with _red_ and skin glistening with sweat — the supreme leaders voice whispering in his head words of accolade and praise.

it had happened all so quickly — the emotions and thoughts that you could hear from the other padawans quickly flooded your sensitive, amateur mind, sending you in to a state of fear you couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

the world went in to a blur of screams and flashes of red, as your feet carried you to your master. you kneeled down and cradled her lifeless face in your hands, feeling her life force fade away at a sickly pace.

“ _no, no please don’t die, i need you! please!”_ you cried, your own tears dripping on to hers.

she raised her hand weakly, cupping your cheek in her hand — her own blood smearing on to your own.

“remember _the light._ do not be seduced by the power of the dark side.” she choked out, “the light — it will always be in him.”

you’ll never forget the feeling of your masters lifeless body in your arms, or how all you could see was _red,_ as ben solo ignited his lightsaber once more.

in an instant you ignited yours, the blue light emitting brightly. you didn’t even care that you were sobbing by now, as you faced the person you once loved. he didn’t even bother hiding the tears that had strewn across his face.

“you _killed her,_ ben!” you screamed.

“ben solo is _dead_!” he spat back, venom dripping off of his voice. “in ben solos death, _kylo ren_ was born!”

and in that moment, so much anger washed over you, causing you to charge at _kylo ren,_ the blue lightsaber colliding _hard_ with the red, jagged lightsaber.

but your emotions were too strong, and you were too weakened by watching your master being murdered. it didn’t take much for kylo ren to force himself in to your mind, like a predator tearing apart its prey. you let out a blood curdling scream and fell your knees as kylo ren tore apart your mind, picking apart your memories with _ben solo_ and your master.

his lightsaber burned _hot_ as he pressed it towards your throat, those brown eyes filled with the reflection of _you_ on your knees, eyes glassy with tears.

“you’re made _so much more_ than what the jedi order can teach you!” he choked out, as you tried to steady your breathing. “come _with me._ snoke will teach you the ways of the force luke skywalker can’t!”

you didn’t know if it was kylo ren, or your deepest desires — but you _felt_ it, in the faintest way. the pull towards the dark side. you remembered what your master said, in the midst of her death. _the light. remember the light._

closing your eyes and taking a deep breath, you opened them up slowly to see kylo ren bearing a heady gaze.

“i would rather _die_ than go with you!” you screamed back.

kylo ren squeezed his eyes shut, before he retracted his lightsaber a couple centimeters from your skin.

“you’ll come. you’ll come with me one day.”

and with that, kylo ren slashed his lightsaber across the side of your cheek, and pushed you hard to the ground, causing everything to go black.

* * *

the next time you saw kylo ren was when you were on takodana — helping maz kanata, find your new friends a way to get a new ship.

and as you were helping them set up a ship, you nearly fainted as you felt something you had not felt for years.

 _the pull._ not only towards the dark, but to someone you had not felt an attraction to since you were a child.

_ben solo._

so right as the sound of maz’s building being crush sounded, you nearly screamed at rey and finn to get in the bloody ship. rey had tried pulling you in with them, only to have you shove her back in, closing the door and crying out for them to leave.

as you watched them fly away, you made haste of gathering up only the necessities. shoving them all in your satchel, you ran out of your room and outside, throwing an arm over your face to shield it from the smoke and debris.

running in to the forest, you ran and ran until you were gasping for air, sweat and tears sliding down your face.

you leaned against a tree, sliding down and leaning your head back with a light ‘thud.’

the last time you had seen ben solo — not kylo ren — you had given yourself to him in a way that was _forbidden_ in the jedi order. you should’ve _known_ something was wrong with him, the way he held you afterwards like you were his anchor to reality, the way his eyes held something back from you. _you should’ve known. you’d never forgive yourself._

as you caught your breath, you stood up to begin your journey; until you heard the deep metallic voice in the distance.

“i know you’re out here. do not hide yourself from me.”

you felt the life you had made yourself collapse around you, as you backed up in fear. there was nothing you could do about it, now. he had said he was coming back for you, and he was fulfilling that promise.

you stood in fear and shock and didn’t move a muscle when _he_ approached you, standing tall and proud with a mask covering his face.

you didn’t even hide your shaking as he moved with languid grace, so close to you that you could hear his distorted breathing through the mask.

he trailed a gloved finger over the scar across your cheek, your nostrils flaring as you tried to control your breathing. your chest heaved with nervousness and anticipation, as he cupped your jaw.

“you know where the scavenger and the traitor are.”

it wasn’t a question.

but you held your ground, and bit your tongue. you wouldn’t do that to rey and finn. you just wouldn’t. you _couldn’t._

“i had hoped you wouldn’t make me do this,” he said, as you felt your body become stiff. you tried to fight the force, but you just _couldn’t._ it had been too long, since you’ve used the force.

and like the last time you saw, you felt your body slip in to unconsciousness at the hands of kylo ren.

* * *

 

when you had awoken, you were lain upon deep red silk sheets, a black fur blanket over you. kylo ren was sitting across from you on a chair, watching you rouse from your sleep.

he stood up — and sat on the edge of the bed, causing you to flinch away from him. he just let his hand wrap around your ankle lightly, over the sheets. you hated that you felt almost _relieved_ at an almost electric-like feeling from his touch.

“why am i here?” you finally asked.

“i need to know where the scavenger and traitor are.” he replied, mechanical voice causing goosebumps to prickle on your skin. he released his grip on your ankle, causing you to let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding.

“take off the mask.” you stated. it wasn’t a question. you needed to see his face. you needed to look in to his eyes and know it was him.

“t _ell me where they are._ defying me will not get you anywhere.” he repeated, standing up.

“then tell me why i’m in your _fucking_ room. if that was true, i’d be dead already.” you shot back bitterly, voice cracking.

he squeezed his fists together, the leather squeaking together. he lifted his hands to his helmet, and took it off with a ‘swoosh.’ and he was just as _perfect_ as you had remembered him to be.

his hair was longer, thicker and curlier. his young features turned in to a sharp, long face — lips pinker and a myriad of moles dusted on his face. he was beautiful. _he was beautiful._

“i don’t want to have to do it the hard way.”

his voice was deep and smooth, and all you wanted to do was _cry._ you remembered the way he would come in to your quarters at night and just _talk_ to you. you had to keep reminding yourself that that was _ben solo._ kylo ren would never do something like that. so as you sat in silent defiance, you screamed out in pain as a sharp feeling forced itself in to your head. even if you wanted to, you couldn’t have fought him. again, it’d been too long since you used the force. it felt as if someone had shot a blaster in your brain. you could literally feel kylo inside of you, tearing apart your memory to find what he wants. when he reached it, you gasped out in relief as he pulled himself out of your memory, with what he wanted.

“the ileenium system,” he said softly — as if he just didn’t invade your mind.

“you’re a monster, kylo ren.” you gasped out, leaning your body back on to the sheets. you swore his eyes became glassy. “but _ben —_ ben solo is not.”

he winced at his old name, as if someone had poured salt in an open wound.

“ben solo was _weak_ and _foolish.”_ he replied, in a vitriolic tone. “he’s not coming back. he never will.”

“ben solo is the man — the _jedi —_ that i gave my heart, my _soul,_ to—“ you sniffed, reaching out to touch his heart. he tensed under your touch, but you kept going. “there’s good in you, i know it.”

then, something happened that you hadn’t felt since that night. you felt the force consume you, as you felt kylo ren tug you off the bed, and on to his lap. he wrapped his strong arms around you, one arm going to the back of your neck — pulling you in to an absolute _earth shattering_ kiss; the other wrapping around your hips hard. you felt every single one of his emotions hit you like a goddamn shot the head. you felt his loneliness, his pain, his anger. you gasped in to his mouth as he slipped his tongue in to your mouth, kissing you like you were a breath of fresh air. and you _were._ kylo ren couldn’t hide his tears anymore, letting the slip off of his face and on to your cheeks, causing you to push him back by the shoulders to get him to get some air.

he looked up at you with red cheeks and red eyes.

“i feel it _all the time…_ the call to the _light._ it’s like i’m tearing myself apart and i can’t do anything about it.” he dejected, moving to grip your hips. you leaned forward and pressed your lips to his once more, and wiped his tears off with the pads of your thumbs.

“let it in, ben. it’s calling to you. you can _fight_ off the dark, i _know it.”_ you encouraged. but he just let his forehead fall on to yours, as he slipped his fingers under your shirt, calloused fingertips stroking your skin.

“the darkness — it’s shown me _so much_ of the force, that luke skywalker _never did._ ’’ he explained, as you listened. “it’s shown me what potential i have, as it can to _you.”_

you knew what he was doing. you felt the whispers of his voice penetrate your mind, the whispers of the dark side taunting you.

“you know _i can’t,_ ben.” you whispered back, a tear falling down your cheek.

“but i can _teach you,”_ he persuaded desperately, jaw tensing. “imagine how much _power_ we could have. we could have the galaxy at our _feet._ ”

oh, how you wanted to give in to him — the dark side. but the dark side was something that killed your fellow padawans, that killed your master, and ultimately — took ben solo away from you. you wouldn’t join something that had taken so much of your happiness away. and deep down, kylo ren knew this. he could admit to himself that he was selfish and horrible and _needed you_ to the point where he would seduce you with the dark, if it meant you’d stay with him.

“the dark side killed my friends, my master, ben. it took _you_ away from me. i refuse to be apart of something that took my life from me.” you explained, rubbing his cheekbones with your thumbs. he just let his head drop in to your collarbones, as you felt him wrap his hands around your back.

“i… i understand.” he muttered, after a few moments of silence.

he leaned his head back up to look at you, and all you could do was tangle your fingers in his hair and press a messy, desperate open mouthed kiss to his lips.

he let you lean him backwards and pull off his robes, as he quickly pulled off yours. you both pretended to ignore the rapid beating of your hearts and tears falling down both of your faces, as he buried himself inside of you — whispering _i love you, i love you_ over and over again.

* * *

“are you sure you know how to fly this?” kylo ren asked, as he carried your satchel in to one of the ships, he had captured from the resistance. his crew had fixed it up, just in case they had needed an undercover ship.

“i’ve flown lots of things, this shouldn’t be a problem.” you replied, watching him step down and walk in front of you.

it was currently early in the morning, and after your night with kylo ren — you had to explain to him once more how you couldn’t follow him, as much as you wanted to. you expected him to be angry, hurt, maybe even lash out at something. you could see in his eyes that he was angry and hurt, but he didn’t do anything. he listened and nodded, even offering you a non-first order ship to give you. (it shocked you, to say the least. you didn’t think he’d be this pliable.)

“where are you traveling to?” he asked, taking your hands in his.

“corellia. there’s a lot of things there that will keep me busy.” you replied, squeezing his fingers.

he nodded, and leaned forward to capture your lips with his. it was chaste and almost _pure._ pulling back, you looked up to the eyes for what would be the last time, and whispered,

“lights will guide you home, ben solo.”

kylo ren watched you climb in to the ship, and fly off in to the stars.

he didn’t stop the tears from welling up in his eyes, as he felt a piece of himself go.

oh, how he wished he could be in your arms. how he wished he didn’t have the darkness inside of him.

but there were things that were inevitable, being seduced by the darkness. he knew that once he went down this path — there was no returning. but the worst part, was knowing he’d never feel your lips against his again.


End file.
